Monday, February 21, 2011

Solo Round pt. 1

Buffalo Wild Wings                                    Marquette, MI                                          2pm Sunday

The challenge itself didn’t seem that daunting on its face value. As the challenge states, its twelve blazing wings in six minutes; no drinks, napkins or touching your face at all. Still, seems easy. I hate hot foods (I think I have mentioned that before), so I did have that reservation. Well I guess it’s a story win or lose.
I called Nick at twelve…twelve thirty….one…and one thirty; no response. The second challenge and we are already missing each other schedule wise. Or he is a giant wimp and doesn’t want to lose. I am hoping for the former or the two.
Doing something like this for me is worrisome, with or without a partner.  Now, solo seems a bit more real.  I think its way harder with no one cheering me on. No Yoopies (Yooper groupies) to chant my name. Oh well, it’s a challenge for a reason.
I walk in the door, already sweating.
“Table for one please.”
“Sure, right this way.”
The waitress seats me next to a family of four or five people, two of them kids. Now I can’t swear out loud. Damn it.
“My name is Jen and I will be your server today,” the chipper brunette squeaks. “Something to drink?”
“Yeah a cherry Pepsi and twelve blazing wings please.” I set my cell phone on the table with the stop watch app ready.
“Twelve blazing wings for just you?” she asks. “I mean, you have had them before right?”
“Nope,” I answer simply.  “I was curious about the blazing challenge.”
“Huh, okay well I will put that order in now then. Good luck,” she says walking away shaking her head.
Who is she to judge me? This seems easy. Five minutes drag by and I am getting more nervous as the time ticks by. Ten minutes now and finally she walks towards me with my wings.
“Did you need napkins?”
“Can’t use ‘em,” I respond with a faux confidence in my voice.
Jen walks away and leaves me to my solitude. I spend a few minutes looking at the family and wondering how the ten-ish year old looking kid would do on this challenge and it makes me laugh. Well it’s now or never.
I ready my phone and my wings, pushing my drink to the side. The clock starts and I grab the first wing, tearing through it like a primitive beast. Holy shit! These things are no joke.
“Whew,” I breathe audibly, making things exponentially worse. Tears and snot begin to fall like raindrops.  Keep chewing josh. Good god, why. Do people actually enjoy these things?
Four wings in and it’s already about two minutes gone by. I have to pick it up.
“How’s it going over here,” Jen snickers. “Can I get you anything else?”
“An order of pickle chips to go please.” Ah, that jerk tricked me! Why would she taunt me into talking? She must know how bad this is!
Four minutes in and nine wings are gone. I rally singing Eye of the Tiger in my head. I have been both tear gassed and pepper sprayed in my life; this is comparable. I wish I couldn’t feel my lips right now, but the pain sears into my brain.
Why didn’t I coat my mouth with wax like I had planned on? Sorry Homer, I guess I failed.
Five-fifteen and I am chewing the bits off of my last wing. I can barely breathe right now because of the chewing and the reaction to the spices.
At five minutes and forty-four seconds I swallow my last bit of chicken and smash my face into my cherry Pepsi. I assume half of the people there that day would say I was drinking the soda and the other half would think I was bathing in it.
Victory is mine…but very short lived.
I rush to the bathroom, still trying to keep my composure. I pray to the porcelain goddess and then wash my face. Whew, at least that’s over now.
A few minutes later I have paid my tab and pickle chips in hand, I head for the door. Suckers, that wasn’t so bad.
Two hours later I change my opinion as I have been in the bathroom twice by now and for about twenty minutes each time. I have officially spent more time letting my wings out of my body than I did putting them in.

Challenge rating 3/5

Yooper-1   Food - 1


  1. Glad to see you won the challenge! I had wondered how your stomach would take it, though.

  2. I know now I missed my window. This would have been a perfect challenge to throw the "help me tom cruise...use your witch craft to put out the fire," line. Sad I missed it

  3. Congrats! Didn't they give you a trophy or anything? Your picture on the wall?

  4. nope. The challenge, for some reason, isn't established here in Marquette. We did it anyway because it seems almost every other Buffalo Wild Wings I researched had it. Oh well. I know that I will never have to do it again and that is victory enough for me! = )

  5. Glad to see you're still alive. I agree that we humans eat the most stupidest things. Anything too spicy, that inevitably forces you to purge, is trying to signal to you that you're not supposed to eat it. Yet we do. Even dogs know better... and I am ashamed.

  6. This is crazy! I was on the edge of my seat reading it. Good for you though, you hate hot foods and you still did it in less than 6 minutes! I could have never done it...

  7. Congrats on successfully completing it. But the after effects sucks. Its too bad they don't really have the challenge established here.. you deserve your picture to be up or something lol

  8. Great stuff here. I was going to link to in in a future column, but you use too many expletives to keep it within typical guidelines. However, this has a lot of potential here, so keep up the good work. There are a lot of local food challenges and it would be a lot of fun to track them all down. Keep up the good work.

  9. Well done. I've eaten one blazing wing, and I seriously thought I was going to die. My stomach felt like it had dry ice in it or something crazy like that. Like, burning, but ... a whole different sensation. I can't imagine. You're a God among mere mortals. ;)

  10. If you thought those wings were hot you should try The Blast Furnace Burger @ the Jasper Ridge Brewery.

  11. this is crazy! I do not do well with things that are spicy let alone things that set your mouth a flame! I think your blog is so personal and hilarious, and now that you are famous, well its good to know you!!